MJ: I find your comment “easier said than done” (SEE THE POST: THREATENING IN ORDER TO CONTROL) to be the reality with most domestic violence victims, regardless of which actor is front and center. The abuser is always front and center. It is their relentless obsession to fill their need to be number one, top dog, even deity that they literally will do anything to stay relevant regardless of end result for the victim. For the most part, from what has been shared with me and from my own experience, the abuser has very little, if any, regard or remorse for their actions.
Perhaps the two started out with equal amounts of give-receive-give-receive, but something eventually starts to become unbalanced in abusive relationships. The dominant personality may begin giving less or stop giving altogether or start giving something completely different! This is where the tilt in thinking starts happening for the partner. From that point on, the thousand thoughts that come and go, the confusion, the unknowing, the fear, the anxiety, the sadness, the depression – all things bad – begin to play out. Outsiders question, "Why don’t they just leave?" Man, that sounds so easy!
Ha! Our own limiting thoughts is the reason why. All the, “Yeah, buts” that come with the thought of leaving. Where do I go? How do I get there? What’s on the other side? I haven’t worked in years, who would hire me? What do I even know how to do anymore? What are my skills? Do I have any skills or are they all outdated? He has all the money. He has the vehicles. Everything is in his name. I have nothing. What about the kids? What about breaking up a marriage? I’ve painted such a rosy picture for so long, what would others think about me? I’ve already had one (or a hundred divorces), another one would be so embarrassing. I told God this was it…am I not true to my own word? Won’t I let God down? What if my abuser didn’t mean it? He bought me flowers after the last time he did that. What would my pastor tell me? If I don’t think about it, maybe he will change. Maybe if I change, he will change? Maybe he meant to hit the wall and my face just got in the way….
Welcome to hell.
Is this where you tell someone to get over it? A good abuser will, while isolating his victim, bit-by-bit rape every part of her persona to where she has lost all sense of reality. Even if she does get away, often times she will actually protect the demonic, go into denial that abuse even happened, and take the blame for his actions towards herself instead of saying (perhaps after years of therapy), “He had no right to treat me that way.”
This type of abuse never happens overnight. It is often drawn out over a period of years. One day, after five years of abuse, my daughter called. After a bit she asked if I were scared of my abuser. I laughed. Then I was quiet. I remember nodding slowly. I had never addressed it. Never named it. I said, “Yes. I think I am.” It was after that conversation that I started watching myself around him. I started watching him with other people and then with me. I watched my hands shake after he walked away. Yes. Indeed I was scared of him. My daughter had planted a seed, and it was growing.
It was another nine months before my daughter and her husband came and rescued me. Had I not fallen and broken my pubic bone that year, I might have left sooner. Or…had I not fallen, maybe I never would have left. Being in a wheelchair and relearning how to walk gave me a lot of time to reflect.
Percell: Abusers, manipulators, dictators, con-artists, bullies, selfish narcissistic, etc.; all names given to the same type of individuals…one who preys on the weaknesses of others. They are often masters of their crafts, and know exactly when and how to steer victims into their ways of thinking, and often without the victim's realizing it. By the time that they do, the behavior has become habitual, and changing it does not appear easy.
I find your comment, “Welcome to hell.”, to be a most interesting one. Have we not iterated throughout the interview that Love is The All That Is? We define this as God, and the Realm of the Absolute (that which cannot be changed) as Heaven. Fear and the separation from or opposite of that would, yes, be Hell.
The “Yeah, buts...” are all of the emotional reactions and feelings that we have discussed throughout the interview. Some are rational and reasonable, but the majority are not. 90% of them are self-imposed. We end up oppressing and abusing ourselves as much or worse than the offender. This is why we must always nurture our MEPS (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual selves) and seek to maintain a state of complete wellness. If one has done this, then it is easier to “Get over it”. This, by no means, means to blow it off. What it means is to not writhe in the pity-pot, try to change the abuser, or worry about the “Yeah, buts...” and “What ifs...”.
The abuser has undoubtedly stripped away all sense of your self-esteem and reality. A healthy MEPS state or even the knowledge of some part of it will help. For those whom are not there, a good support system – friends and family, is almost equitable.